There are many walks of life where you can experience these pesky little beasts… you know them, they’re the ones that knock you down to feel good about themselves, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
Fortunately, my underminers (barring one persistent one which I will come to in a moment) have pretty much been work-based. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have just as much impact on your life and confidence. When I’m feeling a bit down, the lingering insecurities can often raise their heads and I start to doubt myself… then out comes the “upbeat” playlist and a litany of all the reasons why those underminers are wrong to build myself back up again.
There is one, however, which I just can’t shake. Myself.
I, together with being rather impatient with myself, am my own worst enemy at times. Specifically related to my weight, I find myself thinking “I’ve been dieting like mad for [3/5/10]-days and nothing has changed…I must be a failure”. Yes. I know. Unrealistic expectations and all that.
No matter how much I know that I need to be in the long game I can’t seem to get my impatience with myself in control where it comes to my weight. This leads to self sabotage: the aforementioned unrealistic expectations lead to disappointment and disillusionment and thinking ‘what the heck, what’s another chocolate bar to loose at this point’. The times where I cave in to that are getting fewer and farther between thanks to the fact that I have made some sustained, and maintained, progress but that doesn’t mean that the times I experience those thoughts get any less frequent. It is an almost constant struggle.
In some ways it ties in to my self-esteem issues surrounding my luck, or lack thereof, with men. Not that I need a man to make my life complete: I have a wonderful family, good job, great friends and in fact with some of the guys I have dated I’ve actually dodged a bullet (I sometimes marvel at my ability to find complete weirdos in both guys and -with a few exceptions – housemates…not apparent at first but there all the same). It’s just that sometimes the constant rejection, or distinct lack of interest if not flat out rejection, can get you to thinking “what is wrong with me?”. Don’t get me started on online dating, I was foolish enough to be persuaded to go back on a site a while ago and that just brought another long period of being ignored*. Seriously, if anyone else says to me “Tricia, I don’t understand why you’re still single?” (especially if they are of the male variety)… I’m not sure I can be held accountable for my actions.**
I’ve become a bit rambly there.
Anyway, my point is that quite often, even though your conscious mind knows better, your unconscious mind can be your own “Underminer”, digging under all your positive fortifications until they come crumbling down and you become vulnerable to all the negative external influences that are so prevalent (I stopped reading any of the weekly ‘glossies’ years ago as I realised they were toxic to your psyche and made you very negative about others).
Quite how I can go about quieting my inner underminer for good I’m not sure but I’ll keep building and re-building those defences.
*No, weird pervy interest from the over 50’s or guys who look like they just crawled out of the primordial reject bin doesn’t count. I’m a bit lonely, not desperate.
** For the record… I don’t know.